Monday: a lot to do. The household, washing the motorbike, I’m pacing  back and forth: I do not find peace. I try to stop worrying by being busy all the time. Sometimes I succeed, but every now and then I notice that I feel tired and want to take a moment. Then I start to worry again and get back to work. Keep on being busy, shoots through my mind.

My partner’s phone rings, he has to go to work. Bummer! Now there is nobody to talk to. Now I have to clean the house to relax.

By the time S. gets back home, I feel broken. Tired of being busy, tired of trying to stop worrying. We eat something and watch a movie. The tension in my body keeps rising and I decide to go to bed before the end of the movie.

Peace? Of course not!

I can’t fall asleep, I can’t get in the right position. After staring at the ceiling for an hour, I finally fall asleep. Nightmares, of course! Why can’t I just rest after such a day? It is the middle of the night and I am still awake!

The alarm clock rings and my stress level rises again. Today is the day! The exciting Tuesday has arrived. I already received a message from a classmate: And, stressed? You can guess my answer: Yes! Today is the day that I have to take my practical exam at school. Just give me a theory exam, I can read it and make it at ease without anyone looking at me. Now I have to solder, make glasses (sharpen the glasses to size, make sure everything is right and the prescription in the glasses are correct). Plus, I also have an oral exam.

The exam

Fortunately, I see my teacher when I get inside. I choose an envelope and get my assignments from today. I start with soldering, and it goes very well! Then I choose an envelope for my oral exam. We start talking about the past weekend and then she says: “So, we lightened the mood! We can start!” My oral exam goes very well. I present everything in time and she tells me that I get my grade an hour later. After an hour of clammy hands I get the result: a 9.5! I continue to my second year without a single resit!

Relieved…

… But also a little angry with myself when I go home again. Why do I worry so much? Fear of failure remains a big issue for me. It feels like a weakness. Weak that I can’t handle tension well. It is therefore not a healthy tension, but it causes heavy shaking and nausea. The struggle is really terrible.

My partner sometimes gets tired of me and I can understand that. He often remains super sweet and supports me. Again: “You have practiced well and you can do this! Breathe, relax and concentrate!” But I keep on being nervous. Sometimes he gets annoyed and stops sending me messages. Today he continued to say that I am well prepared and have to calm down. Up to 3 times!

Not the only one

I know that with me a lot of people suffer from the fear of failure. If someone knows how to deal with it, I’d love to hear it. Because after all the therapy I still have a lot of trouble to manage this. I dare to do more now, that helps a bit. But I don’t know whether I will ever get this feeling under control.

The song of this week is Hungry eyes by Eric Carmen. This song comes from my favorite movie Dirty Dancing. Which I am going to see again very soon, because now I have rest again to watch a movie! Now I don’t have to go to school for a few weeks and then start the second year fresh!

Love, Renée x

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Renée

Expert in PTSD, burnout, personality disorders and eating disorder. Even if I only help one person by sharing my story, I am happy!

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