The feeling of not wanting to be around anymore, the feeling that you have to walk on eggshells continuously, you feel unhappy but still, you go on. The feeling of severe fatigue and failure. This is how I felt without even mentioning everything. A depression changes you. My depression made me someone who I am not and someone I did not want to be.
For outsiders, it is difficult to imagine how I felt, for me it was difficult to explain. I started to write to share my story and I noticed that this was a true outlet for me too. I started to feel better, so now I would like to take you back to how it was and how I got where I am today.
Negative thoughts win the fight
It is 7.00 am and the alarm goes off. I have to leave my bed to go to work, but instead of starting my day I put the alarm clock on snooze. I snooze once, I snooze twice, and then 45 minutes later, I am still in my bed. These are mornings that are anything but exceptional. I do not want to leave my bed, and even if I wanted too I just could not. I am tired and my negative thoughts win, time after time. My goal to start at 9.00 has already failed completely, I might make it at 10.00 am. On my way to work the tears roll down my cheeks. I cry all the way until I’m almost at work. I quickly dry my tears before walking inside, I start my workday as if nothing was wrong.
When I am free from work I am at home, I do nothing all day. Friends regularly ask me to do something fun, but I keep that at bay as much as possible. Although, I’ve always been crazy about them, I do not feel like going out and seeing them at all. Housekeeping is at an all time low and the kitchen cabinets are more often empty than filled.
The little angel on my shoulder wants it to be like before; I want to get my energy back, meet up with friends and exercise as I used to do my whole life. The little devil on my shoulder, however, tells me every day how tired I am, that I do not feel like going out the door, that I do not want to see people, that I have no energy to exercise and that I have to feel bad. The little angel is unfortunately not strong enough, so the little devil wins time and again.
It is difficult to show who you are and how you feel. In today’s society, you are seen as strong if you continue despite everything. Sadness is seen as a weakness. I felt weak. Nobody wants to feel weak and nobody wants to be found weak. I put on a mask for self-protection, without even consciously choosing to do so. At home I can be who I am, outside I am safely hiding under my shield. It is tiring to wear a mask all day long, it is tiring to be influenced all day by all kinds of stimuli.
Yet, I cannot change that, not at once at least; it’s a matter of time. I have been walking on eggshells for so long, I think that I can hold on a little while longer.
Someday it gets better, someday the sun will shine again for me. Although I did not believe that at first, I now know that it is true. I will prove that it is so. It will get better.
Lots of love, Sharon