I used to handle setbacks very well. Because there was so much going on in my life, an extra setback did not mean much to me anymore. Negativity became something normal. Every setback felt like ‘just’ the next on the list.
But now that my life has become better again, it is more difficult to deal with setbacks. If it does not go well or something does not go as I would like it to go, it feels like I am breaking down again. I feel down, do not feel comfortable and I get sick. Literally. Nauseous, headache and my body hurts. It is so frustrating …
For example, I do not receive financial support from the Dutch government anymore. After two years of sick leave, I have to do it alone. I work 3 days a week and I feel like that is still quite heavy. This means that I cannot work 32 hours, as I did before. But I have to work 4 days, because otherwise I will be financially short. Another reason I cannot work 4 days a week is due to occupancy in the company I work for, there is no ‘room’ for me to work the extra hours… This means that I am going to have a difficult time moneywise until I start working 32 hours again.
Unfortunately, my body is still hurting. Nerve pains in my back, pain in my neck and my muscles seem to be a lot stiffer. This does not benefit my mood.
I do not want to fail on school, since that is one of the few things I have influence on. I don’t look forward to the exams and I absolutely do not settle for grades below 7/10. That also gives stress, because I notice that I am actually too tired to study.
People around me
Fortunately, I can talk more easily about the things that bother me. About school, about the things I experience or when I doubt myself (for example my weight or about being too old to go back to school). My mother tells me that she is proud of me because I chose to go back to school. And that she is proud of me for being stable again after therapy. And also my father and partner let me know that they support me and want to help me where necessary.
But still it is hard for me to deal with setbacks. I hope I will find a way to let go and not let mistakes influence me so much. But for now, unfortunately I am not there yet and I try to see it as a point of improvement. Who knows, maybe that helps already.
This week’s song is Tell me you love me from Demi Lovato. Sometimes these words are necessary, if you do not feel good about yourself. Financially I have a hard time, I still have to go to school for another 2 years and I have issues. It is nice when someone tells you that they love you as you are, despite of everything. I know that actions speak louder than words, but the words are sometimes just as necessary as the actions.
See you in 2 weeks! Love, Renée x