Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I worry about myself. I look pale and have dark circles underneath my eyes. I look tired. When I look into my eyes, I miss the shimmer. I laugh, but it is only my mouth that smiles, not my eyes. And when I look at myself for a long time, I tear up. I get ashamed and look away. I cannot handle the confrontation.
I have been in therapy for over two and a half years now. The moment I started with therapy, there was so much pain and sorrow bottled up in my body. Yet I could not get into it. With my current psychologist, it took more than a month before I started talking about what happened to me. I will never forget the session, I cried for the first time. I sat on a chair and I thought: just let is all out. That was the beginning of many cry sessions. Crying makes me feel better since it helps to process and the tears take away a bit of tension. At those moments I do not want to be comforted, but I do want to have someone in the same room as me.
Something completely different is the feeling that I have during and before I start crying. I call it my inner pain. I feel pain in my chest and tension that I want to release. It makes me nervous. I wobble with my legs and bite on the nail of my thumb to reduce the tension. I feel this pain when I do not speak out my feelings. When I eventually speak out the tears start to flow. During the crying, the inner pain first intensifies, but after a while it weakens. Knowing that it will weaken makes it easier to let myself cry Yet it remains a big obstacle every time to let those tears go. This pain scares me.
Acceptance is key
The result of not allowing inner pain and tears is the feeling of emptiness. Feeling empty is even worse than feeling sad. The moment I feel empty, I know that I am not doing well. It means that it is time to take a step back so that I can get in balance again. The text below describes exactly how I feel when I have blocked my emotions for too long (appeared on @gelukkigdepri).
My skeleton embraces the void in my body. It is black and can not pass through. Sometimes, when the black wants to come out, it hurts. It presses my chest and my stomach. I want to fight against it, but the black does not allow it. It makes me gloomy, influences my thoughts and makes me feel less worthy. Sometimes the black even tells me that it would be better if I did not exist anymore. It scares me. It makes me lose control over myself. Will the black ever disappear? Will I ever find myself back again?
I have to accept that it is not bad to cry and to feel pain. To heal, you have to go through this phase. I am getting better and better in feeling emotions and to actually feel the pain.
It are the first steps towards freedom!
Quote with this story: Feel the thing you do not want to feel. Feel it and be free.