I hope I’ll find a way to be me again someday
I hope I’ll find a way to be me again someday

It’s August 2013, I finally get the referral for a rehabilitation program. I have been camping with severe back pain for years, 8 to be exact. I am almost at a point where I am no longer able to do anything. No clear cause found in the hospital and even physiotherapy did not give any relief. Doctors said it was a mental problem instead of a physical one. However, I was sure that they were wrong.

Last resort

The intake at Spine & Joint is my last resort and I am nervous. During this appointment, they will investigate both my physical- and mental state. After some tests with stickers on my body it became clear that there is indeed something wrong, physically.

The next part is a conversation with their psychologist. I did my whole life story in an hour: My parents’ divorce, bullying at school, my suicide thoughts during my high school years, the abuse, domestic violence, failed relationships and my current relationship.

The psychologist looks at me and says; “You’ll get permission to start here on one condition: You will seek professional help to process everything.” The first thing that crossed my mind was: No! I do not need anyone to deal with this. I’ve been dealing with this on my own for years! But then I realised, I’ll have to. Well, then I’ll go 1 or 2 times, but no more!

The beginning

In November, my treatment at Spine & Joint starts. It’s very intensive; Two mornings a week, for 3 hours. Re-learning to walk, breathing exercises and fitness. Indeed, more intense than expected and I really need to sign up for therapy at this point too.

In December I have the intake at Indigo and after an hour I get the stamp; Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depression. A month later, my therapy starts. We started with EMDR (traumatic experiences with noise) in combination with antidepressants. It soon becomes clear to me that this is not a one-time conversation. The abuse has been affecting my sex life for years, it really has to stop.

Ups and downs

It went with up and downs, but after half a year I quite the therapy. My partner R and I still live as a brother and sister, I do not feel better and we have no faith in the course of the treatments.

R has done his best to help and support me, but I wanted and could not talk about it. Through the sessions everything that I hide so far away came back into my life again and I did not want that. This meant, after 2.5 years, the end of our relationship.

From that moment onwards, I put all my energy into my job. I started working 4 days a week, but increased quickly to 5, or even 6. I did not want to make mistakes and tried to keep everyone happy. My boss, my colleagues, the customers. However, there was no room for me to grow in the company and my manager and I clashed.

Even at home I kept running, for friends, family and my new partner S.L.  My new partner lost his job shortly after we started to live together, this did not help the situation and caused a lot of arguments.

The result? A burnout … What followed, I’ll tell you next week.

The song for this week: Racoon – Mrs. Angel


Love, Renée

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Expert in PTSD, burnout, personality disorders and eating disorder. Even if I only help one person by sharing my story, I am happy!

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