It was a long day. When I get home I think to myself, “I am completely done with it.” But what is ‘it’? This day? Or is there more causing this feeling?

My dreams

When I was about six years old, I sat at the back of my mother’s car on a Wednesday afternoon. We drove past a high school. Every time we passed by, I told my mother, “I’ll go to this school later.” I do not know why I wanted to go to that school. However, six years later I ended up in that high school. I was in a mixed havo / vwo class for the first two years of high school, after which we received advice about which level suited best. I wanted to go to VWO, which eventually worked out. In the field of career I also knew exactly what I wanted to do: working in the legal world. This too came true. After high school I started my Bachelor’s degree in European and Dutch Law and in a few weeks I will have my bachelor’s degree. But … is this it? Is this how I want to continue the rest of my life? Always thinking what I’m going to do something and let this come true? Do I want that? Because sometimes it feels like a boring routine!

The final exams

When I was eighteen, I had the final exams. I was so happy when I finished them. After this, two nerve-racking weeks followed. I had a dream the night before I got the results. I dreamed that I was talking to my grandmother who passed away. She told me that I did not succeed. I remember that I asked her if I could change anything about it, but she did not answer to this. Then my dream turned into a different dream. I ran across the street and a bullet hit my shoulder. I passed out and I fell on the floor. Then I woke up. Somehow I knew I did not pass my exams. Around 14:42 my mentor called with the news that I had to do a retake. I had to get at least 8 out of 10 to still succeed. Long story short: I had to do the last year of VWO again. This too had an influence on my mapped life plan. I could not start my law studies yet.

My depression

When I was twenty, my life colored grey. I got depressed. I could not accept it and so  continued to study. However, ‘studying’ consisted of being physically present in the lectures and working groups, however mentally I wasn’t there. Studying was more difficult due to lack of sleep and concentration problems. There was a day that I visited the study advisor to make a plan for the upcoming last year. I would do it in two years to reduce pressure. Again, my whole plan got ruined and I had no control over it.

And now?

Now I am twenty-three, and I want to change myself. Making career is not the only thing that life is about. I will not find the ultimate happiness in my work. It is very nice that I will have my diploma and a nice job, but if I am not happy myself, what kind of value ​​do that diploma and that job have? Exactly. Nothing at all. Never again do I want to catch myself on the question: is this it? Instead, I want to say with a smile: this is it.

Nothing will work unless you do – Maya Angelou

Love, Ghyta

Share this post! If this post was insightful for you, share it with your loved ones so that they can better understand what you are going through.
Deel dit artikel! Als dit artikel voor jou inzichtelijk was, deel het dan met je omgeving - laten we het samen hebben over mentale gezondheid.

Ghyta

By telling others about my own experiences, I hope to support people that deal with mental disorders in their own process. I find it important that mental illnesses are recognised as real diseases, even though they might not be visible to the eye.

Related Posts

Gerelateerde berichten

Heb je een vraag? Onze professionals en ervaringsdeskundigen staan voor je klaar.

Ask your question to a professional or former client!