Letting go. It remains a returning theme in my life. Every time I believe I have let go of the old, it turns out I did not. A piece of the ‘old’ always stays. And that piece is so crucial to be a free person. The closer I get to the core, the more I block. I am almost there, but it is precisely the part that is the most difficult and painful.

Control

Sometimes I have the idea that when I let go of that piece, I will let go a part of myself. As if that part of me is not good enough and has to go. It feels very contradictory, because it confirms that I am not good enough. But on the other hand, the piece is so stressful and painful I have to let it go. Do you still get it?

I can philosophize about this for hours and that is precisely the problem. It won’t get me any further. Several times a week I am overwhelmed by the urge to just sit and scream, cry or whatever it takes to free myself from misery. In my imagination that looks very normal and relieving. But in reality it doesn’t happen. I stiffen. I am afraid to lose control and afraid to really feel. I’m afraid of what may come.

Habit

The fear of losing control is a strong pattern in my system. But more and more I find out that sometimes you have to let go of control to free yourself. By holding onto something, I make it unnecessarily difficult. I believe that control and habit are close together. On the one hand because control can be a habit and on the other because both this are difficult to break. Control is a part of me and I would not want to swap it for anything else. But every now and then I want to let go of myself a little more, because wanting to control keeps me trapped.

Changing is scary. You make a transition from the known to the unknown. It makes us uncomfortable. Yet it is sometimes necessary to step into something uncomfortable in order to let go. In the long term it will certainly pay off. But it will take some time.

“Let it go, turn away and slam the door”

When I think of letting go, I think of Frozen. And when I think of Frozen, I think of Princess Elsa who sings “Let it go” on top of the snowy mountain. She sings about a ballast, which she carried with her. At some point the tension got so high she had to let it go, even she found it very scary. In retrospect it was her liberation. If we, including myself, find the courage to experiment with letting go, perhaps we will see it is not so bad. But maybe it will be bad and we just have to go through it. By doing it and experiencing it, we are always getting a bit closer to the goal: letting go.

Let go: for the sake of ourselves.

Love,

Ghyta

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Ghyta

By telling others about my own experiences, I hope to support people that deal with mental disorders in their own process. I find it important that mental illnesses are recognised as real diseases, even though they might not be visible to the eye.

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