A while ago I wrote a blog post about trust. I mentioned that when friendships get too intense, I pull back. I distance myself, because I am afraid of getting hurt.

My best friend
When me and my ex boyfriend broke up, it was very hard on my friend too. Understandable, since they are also friends. He started telling negative stuff about me and she suffered from that. She asked me to give her some space, we could rebuild the friendship later on. But from this moment, the friendship was on hold.

For the first time I did not want a friendship to end: I panicked. I was afraid of losing her. The one friend I shared everything with. I met my current partner S.C. at her birthday party. I thought everything was perfect as it was. My best friend and my partner, my two best buddies in my life, were also friends. But unfortunately, it did not seem to work out this way.

I wanted to be friends again, but what about her?
The first four months I did what she asked me to: I did not reach out to her and only contacted her when I had a good reason. For example the day her grandma died. She told me she appreciated that I got in touch with her that day. Also when I sent her messages asking her how she was doing, she replied. But when those four  months had passed, I felt like I had to choose: continue or end the friendship. After some texting she told me she missed me and that it might be time to meet again.

So three weeks later we did. I was very nervous when she rang the doorbell. We looked at each other and hugged. I missed hugging her! We had some lunch and it felt like the old times again. Of course, we have talked about what happened, but a lot had already been said. I got my best friend back and we can still trust each other.

Another important (broken) relationship
Two years ago I had a discussion with my grandparents: they did not agree with some of the choices I made. That is OK, but I am the boss of my own life. They realized, we made up and celebrated Christmas together. But a couple of months later it backfired. I got a burnout and my grandparents blamed me for not visiting them anymore, we lost contact. Difficult times, they were on my mind a lot. But I could not find the courage to visit them. And I was stubborn, why should I be the one who made the first step again?

An enlightening night
I had a nice evening with my friends last saturday. And of course, you  have the best conversations in the middle of the night! It became clear to me that I had to end this fight with my grandparents. We talked about it and because of my friends I got a clear conclusion: I should either make up with them or we should part ways. But this void keeps bugging me.

It was time…
Two days ago I found the courage to visit them. I went there without telling them I was coming, so I could change my mind if I wanted to. No obligations, just doing what feels right.

And there I was, in the living room. Two persons welcoming me with open arms. It felt strange, I expected them to be angry with me. I got a bowl of soup and we talked about my life. It felt like the old times. But after the meal I felt like I had to say something.

I can hear myself say: I am here for a reason…
And I suprised  myself. Did I really take the lead in the conversations? Will I be able to do this without stammering and will I be able to say what I want? I got very nervous, but implemented everything I have learned into my conversation. And with success! I was clear, set my boundaries and said everything I wanted to say.

I go home with a good feeling and I am proud of what I just did. This was the first step and I will find out later  whether it was a step in the right direction or not. It might be that in the end I do want to part ways, but for now I want to see where this goes.

The song of this week is different from the songs I used to share with you. It is an instrumental cover of one of my favourite songs. Latch of Simply Three. And if you like it: de videoclip is amazing!

Do you want to rebuild a relationship again? Try it. If I can do it, you can too!

Love, Renée x

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Expert in PTSD, burnout, personality disorders and eating disorder. Even if I only help one person by sharing my story, I am happy!

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