The moment had arrived; last Sunday was my birthday. 30, the big 3-0, the dirty thirty. People kept on asking me how I felt about it, whether I was OK with it. And actually I found that a very strange question.

Birthdays

As a little girl, I regularly celebrated my birthday. I enjoyed to get spoiled with gifts and to hang out with my friends. But afterwards it went downhill. Because of bullying at school, I did not want to celebrate it anymore and if people let you down, that doesn’t get any better. So after so many disappointments, you just stop. Family often came to drink a cup of coffee and eat some cake. But celebrate? Nope.

Also I didn’t want to go to celebrate someone else’s birthday anymore. Where there were people I didn’t know and didn’t feel comfortable with. No, birthdays were no longer spent on me.

Mindset

I was in the middle of my therapy when I decided to go to a birthday party again. It was my best friend’s birthday and I thought: Why not? I was still terribly insecure about who I was and what I looked like, but I also wanted to step out of my private bubble and push my boundaries.

I will never forget this evening, where I met my current boyfriend. And what is actually special about that? He also hates birthdays, from the bottom of his heart. Also almost nobody knows his birthday. Fortunately, he makes an exception for some friends. And yes, luckily he was there last Sunday!

Open and honest

At the last couple of birthday parties I visited, I was very open and honest about my fears. I said in advance that I found it difficult because there would be many unknowns. But this has certainly helped me to have nice evenings. This made me very enthusiastic about my own birthday! I ordered a cake, but then I got scared. Would everyone come? Or will they let me down again?

D-day!

It started great. My mother decorated everything, I got a present and the cake was in the fridge. My mother asked me: “Why are you so quiet?” I was nervous… But as soon as the first ones arrived at the door, that was gone. I enjoyed it!

No, I don’t mind that I reached thirty. Why? Don’t we all want to get old? Of course it sounds strange, the twenty out and the thirty in. But it doesn’t creep me out. I am happy, do what I like and have a whole future ahead of me. Do I understand that people are afraid when they get older? Yes! But to start with that already? No, you have to enjoy it. My partner is 11 years older than I am, so this also makes me feel a lot younger!

The song of this week: Robyn with Keep this fire burning. A nice song I used to be play quite often. When you listen to it, you notice that it suits me well.

Love, Renée. A proud thirty year old x

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Renée

Expert in PTSD, burnout, personality disorders and eating disorder. Even if I only help one person by sharing my story, I am happy!

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