Taking steps instead of standing still, or worse, walking backwards
Taking steps instead of standing still, or worse, walking backwards

First, let me introduce myself! I’m Renée and I will reach the age of 29 soon. Recently I met a great man, after years of working I’ll be back to school in September. It’s going much better. But how did I get so far after all the negativity in my life? I am going to share my story in the coming weeks.

Relationships and friendships

Relationships, tricky things if you ask me. Both relationships and friendships. I have been used, abused, hurt and put aside. I did everything for love, men abused it. I was willing to put my own things, friends, work and training, aside to make the other person happy. I was the same with friends too. I always put myself second, even if it was hurting me in the long run.
Then I met M, during an evening safari in Turkey. As the only Dutch of the excursion we were put together in a Jeep. From that day onwards, she was my buddy, she was always there when I needed her. If I had quarrel with my boyfriend, if something was up at work, if I wanted to talk and she was next to me during all the checkups I had when I had a miscarriage. Finally, someone like me next to me, someone who loves friendship just as I do!

As soon as everything went well with my boyfriend and my future, I was told that she did not know if she wanted to continue our friendship. From that new year in 2014, I was without her in life again. But why? I never responded to this message. I suspected that I was not a good friend. Afraid of the confirmation I think. But still, I often think of her and doubt if I should contact her. For 4.5 years we did almost everything together, talked about everything, lived together in a house for half an year, she knew my deepest secrets. She was the only stable friend in my life and yet she walked away.

My deepest secrets

My deepest secrets are not secrets anymore. And I’m happy with that! I learned to talk about these secrets. At sixteen, I was sexually abused by my first “real” boyfriend. How that felt for me; My own fault right? We shared the bed before and I was ‘his’ right? This what happens in relationships. And I only said no one time, so I could not blame him, right?

At nineteen I was dealing with domestic violence when I was living with my next boyfriend. How this felt? The same as the sexualabuse; I quarreled, I provoked him and I was not a good girlfriend. It is my fault!

Next week more about me and what I’ve been doing to deal with this.


A (Dutch) song I want to give you in occasion of my first blog and relationships; Elise de Koning – Ik wil in je hart.

 

Love, Renée

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Renée

Expert in PTSD, burnout, personality disorders and eating disorder. Even if I only help one person by sharing my story, I am happy!

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