I used to love puzzles. The nicest puzzle was that of Bert and Ernie. It was a large floor puzzle that I have redone a hundred times. As I grew older, I started to create puzzles with a higher level of difficulty. I kept on enjoying it and the satisfaction was great when I finished the puzzle.
Now that I am an adult, I still enjoy puzzling. I puzzle in a different way than in the past, not with real puzzle pieces, but with issues. I usually figure them out, but there is one kind of puzzle that I have a lot of trouble with. I almost finished it, but the last crucial piece is still missing. It is the puzzle about why I was abandoned by a fundamental person in my life.
This blog is for everyone who was raised by one parent and is also puzzling about the question why he or she has been abandoned by a parent.
I feel something is missing. I do not feel whole. There is a black hole somewhere in my body that can never be filled. It’s too late now. At first I found that very bad and I grieved for that part of emptiness in my body. Now I am beyond that stage. Of course it still hurts, but I see that I want to continue and not get stuck in that emptiness. Therefore I need answers. Getting answers is not easy.
Two years ago I wrote a letter to my father. An answer never came. The first couple of weeks I almost got a panic attack when the letterbox clattered. Would this be the day that I get an answer? But to this day, it did not happen. Anger and incomprehension dominate. How can you treat someone from your own flesh and blood like that?
A final attempt
For the past two years, I have taken the standpoint that I am done with this and do not want to invest any more energy. But in periods of rest it keeps on going around in my head. The question marks are too large and I want an answer. Recently I have found out that I cannot find closure before I understand why he has abandoned me. There is of course a chance that he will not answer again. Do I have to make another attempt? Or let it rest forever? But what if he shows that he is a man and answers my questions? Then I can let go of all the doom scenarios in my head. I have nothing to lose, so in good spirits I will soon start working on a letter.
A new chance?
I have been asked several times if I would want to bond with my father if he contacts me. A few years ago I might have answered yes. Now I see that the bonding I had in mind is not realistic. I saw a picture of a father and a daughter who went to a funfair together and ate cotton candy until they were nauseous. The daughter was sitting on her father’s shoulders and she felt proud. Proud of her “superhero”. Proud that he is her father.
But I am not a small child anymore and now that we are a few years further down the road, I no longer want to bond with my father. In my eyes, it is too late. I cannot forgive him for what he did. He left a scar on my soul, which is still not healed. I hope to get an answer to my questions in a few weeks. If that does not happen, the true mourning process can begin.