I stopped taking antidepressants.
For a while now I felt a lot of resistance and I even kept forgetting a dose every once in a while. Before, in December, I already tried to stop. However I started to unravel, I noticed that I was not ready for it yet. I still needed the medication to survive the EMDR sessions. They are now behind me and I am PTSD free! Now I am working on the next layer: the depression. In the meantime, I am already living one month free of antidepressants. Apart from the weird “shocks” that I sometimes feel in my head, it is going well without. The depression didn’t get any worse. What is happening to me is the following: crying spells. And I hadn’t had that for a long time.
Since I stopped taking antidepressants, my antennas are completely on again. There is no damping, everything comes in hard. Also the emotions come in hard. I feel everything. Suddenly I feel the soul pain and the accompanying emotions again. I am irritated and sad. This expresses itself in snarling at people I love, slamming a little too hard with doors, cursing when someone is not paying attention and the well-known cry. The external stimuli are too much: crying children, a crowded train or bus, a buzz and people who ask too much. In short, the sounds of the world are very intense for me. It takes a lot of getting used to and it is also tiring. I am increasingly aware that antidepressants lay a kind of chemical blanket over you, so that all your emotions are experienced less intensely. Not that I am against antidepressants, because it certainly helped me, but it remains a strange idea that such a small pill can cause your feeling and emotions to be flattened …
Crying, crying and more crying
Now that I no longer take antidepressants, I am draining. The tears come at the weirdest moments. Last week. I was on a bike and I had not even left my street yet and the tears were already coming. At that moment I didn’t feel like crying at all. It is also difficult when the wind blows in your face and you are cycling on a public road. So I tried to push it away, which is actually a “bad” coping, but at that time I had no choice. Eventually, when I did have room for it, the tears came out with all it’s intensity. I am actually cleaning up my body by letting the tears out. I am curious how many liters still have to be removed. And then I can say: neat and tidy 😉